greetings from your webmistress!!! hey, did you notice that at some point 'holiday'
became a tld, meaning that the string of characters 'alt.suicide.holiday' which at
one point had a single, clear, semantic decoding now had tangible ambiguity to it?

did you learn about alt.suicide.holiday from wikipedia? i did at one point, like a
really long time ago. 'alt.suicide.holiday' wasn't a url, i mean, it wasn't a 
resource that could have a location, you know? uh, in the context of usenet. 
newsgroups. like on craigslist, you can have a forum community -> missed connections
-> m4m, so that would be community.missed_connections.m4m. 

except this was alt.suicide.holiday, so instead of just talking about suicide, you
were talking about suicide around the holidays. alt meant something at one point,
but whatever it meant really doesn't matter at all anymore. even if none of this
matters, what 'alt' meant like /really/ doesn't matter.

usenet didn't go away, btw. you can go get an account at eternal september and go
see what's happening. it's just like 12 guys in edmonton canada kind of running wild,
though. i'm not joking. but maybe you could go there and drag some people there and
start some sort of hangout under the bleachers of the internet. 

you can use thunderbird to read and post, all the other clients you need to be a
meganerd to use and you don't need me to tell you about them.

anyway, this became a url right, and i noticed this at some point, so that anyone
who was talking about alt.suicide.holiday on some public forum was now retroactively
decided to have been likely talking about /this/, like, this page, my page, instead
of the newsgroup. because nobody really talked about the newgroup because nobody
talks about newsgroups, this wasn't big enough for anyone to notice before me, i guess.

so i have it.

it feels weird, right? like, do i 'deserve' this? do enough people know what ASH is
such that if they get an email from an `@alt.suicide.holiday` email address, that
it'll feel like reality is breaking? or is it all just cryptic and unpleasant to
everyone and there's no reward?

i dunno if i deserve it but having this weird message is probably nicer for people
than another parked domain, or some sort of suicide grooming forum, or even a 
support hotline. that's probably the "right" thing to do, right? but like, every
other side will give you the number. here it's just me. HI!!!!!!! my fingers 
physically hit a key for every single one of these characters. i wrote this in ed(1).
i live in the woods. this is openbsd. i hate linux. we had to put my dog down a few
weeks ago :( drawing is fun :)

you probably want some place on the internet that you figure must be just hidden
around some corner, where cool esoteric people with hidden internet knowledge are.
i don't really know where it is. i ran a pleroma server on here for a bit but then
i got tired of running it so i'm somewhere else now. that's probably the right
answer for a number of personality types.

oh, im not saying who i am by the way, because i don't know if i could emotionally
support whatever number of people end up here (tons? none?). i think my responsibility,
or at least the conclusion that ive reached, is that this page should just be a
kind of weird thing. i think having lives in my hands would stress me out.

wouldn't it stress you out?

there's little niches in lots of places. 9gridchan was kind of fun. have you
heard of gemini? sdf.org has like decades of old gopher sites, and sometimes one of
them will be by some depressed teenager who thinks nobody will read their writing,
but i did, because i'm just that much of a termite. or i'm just that restless. or
something. i don't know. 

i think the search probably never ends, though. i think you just have to keep
moving forever. that's what it's at least felt like to me this whole time.

especially when your friends are the type of people who die all the time!!!!

ok bye!!!